When It's Not a Good Fit
Dearest Reader,
Meet Guest Blogger, Mia. I met Mia at my Saturday morning Meetup in a coffee shop on Queen Street.
I was struck by her awareness of how anxiety had slowly replaced the excitement of landing her dream job. She spoke about noticing changes that she didn’t like and that she was just about ready to make a change. Below is about that change.
Thank you Mia for sharing. Keep us posted!
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I was super excited when I landed my first job as a consultant. After six long years, I had finally finished school and been recruited by a firm in the heart of Toronto’s financial district. I didn’t know anything about consulting or finance, but I didn’t let that scare me. I am a smart, hardworking woman. There’s nothing I can’t handle! Right?
Like any new job, it took a few months to get settled. I felt like Bambi opening his eyes to see the forest and to meet all his friends for the first time. Oh, what a wonderful world! Everything was so grand and shiny.
Despite being someone who hates crowds, I felt a sense of importance walking to work among all the fancy suits. I often found myself thinking back to my young high school self, and how proud she would be of how far I’ve come. Dressed in my new business attire, I felt extra smart, confident, attractive.
It wasn’t long before I started gunning for a promotion and a higher paycheque. I wasn’t struggling to pay my bills—I still lived with my parents since moving out before marriage is uncommon in most Croatian households. I just wanted more. More fancy dinners, more jewelry, more clothes.
I started noticing that nearly every night, I spent at least an hour picking an outfit to wear for the next day. Eventually my mom would pop in and say, “That looks nice!” in an effort to end my compulsive behaviour.
Soon I became obsessed with this desire to look, feel, and act my best all the time. If I wasn’t 100% confident leaving the house for work, for whatever reason (ie. if I didn’t get enough sleep, woke up with hormonal breakouts, or forgot my cardigan, my focus was shaken all day. I felt anxious in meetings and even in casual conversations with colleagues. My obsession with perfection completely took over and my internal dialogue became an endless cycle of fault-finding thoughts.
It wasn’t until I left to Croatia for a vacation that I realized I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be. I was so absorbed by superficial concerns, and even worse, my self-confidence started to depend on how other people viewed me. I spent more time thinking about what my colleagues thought of me than my own opinion of myself.
So I quit my job—along with my new unwanted habits. While I don’t know where I’m headed next, and the stress of finding another job creeps in here and there, I feel a huge sense of relief just by closing that chapter of my life.
Once you realize a certain environment isn’t a fit for you, try changing it. You might be surprised how much a particular place or situation impacts your mental health.
It still shocks me to think about how quickly and easily my job shaped my thoughts and actions in a way that wasn’t conducive to a healthy mindset. But, at the end of the day, I’m grateful for the experience.
Life is just a collection of experiences that shape us into who we are, after all.
