How Am I Back Here Again?

 In the oppressive haze of anxiety, what my desperate brain heard over and over was that if I 

worked hard enough,

was positive enough, 

waited enough,

spent enough,

loved myself enough,

believed enough,

forgave enough,

understood enough,

meditated enough,

had enough massages,

enough acupuncture,

enough talk therapy,

enough supplements,

enough of certain foods,

I too would be anxiety-free. For good.

Inevitably, though, anxiety always reappeared—sometimes over time, sometimes right away.

And I’d be left asking, 

‘How am I back here again?’

Things are different now. I expect anxiety to come back. There’s a welcome mat outside my door. I’m ready for this guest. The coffee cups are out, the kettle is on, fresh flowers sit on the table. However, I’ve set some boundaries.

We’re going to keep this visit as brief as possible.

I have learned from experience that, for me, it is about management. Not about chasing a cure. 

I wish someone had looked me in the eye many years ago and explained this to me.

I’ve learned that maintenance is largely about prevention. What I do when I am anxiety-free is just as important as when anxiety is here.

This reminds me of my mom telling me about a friend of hers. When the doorbell would ring, she’d put on her jacket before answering the door. If it was someone she was happy to see, she would say, “I just got home” and promptly take off her coat. If, on the other hand, she was not so keen on this prospective guest, she’d say, “You just caught me on my way out.”

And while anxiety is welcome to visit, I know I will have my coat on, unfortunately just on my way out.