"Awful. And Immensely Stressful."

“Awful. And immensely stressful,” writes Dr. Robert Sapolsky.* He is talking about anxiety. Couldn’t have said it better myself. 

As I was reading some of his research on the topic, I must say I was feeling some strong solidarity with this rat:

Rats, as nocturnal creatures, hate bright lights. Put one in a cage whose edges are nice and dark and she will happily settle in. Except that this rat is very hungry and food has been placed in the middle of the cage under a bright light. 

This is where the dance begins.

The rat will instinctively move towards the food and then instinctively pull back into the darkness. Again and again and again. Hunger forcing her one way and the sting of the bright light the other. There is no peace in either location but she is compelled to keep trying.

This is anxiety—frantic, labourious, futile.

Eventually, completely exhausted, the rat gives up and just lies in the dark. 

Hello, depression.

The rat’s mission brings me back to being in my own empty classroom with the door closed. The staff meeting is about to start, I know. But there are two forces pulling me in opposite directions—professional duty and sheer panic. The fly on the wall would see me walk to the door, maybe even touch the doorknob and then retreat back into the safety of my room. 

—They’ll be waiting for me.

—But I won’t be able to answer any questions. (Because coursing adrenaline can mute people’s words, not to mention obstruct the ability to formulate a response.)

—They’ll think I don’t care.

—But I can’t even remember what I’m supposed to bring.

Back and forth. Back and forth. 

Duty would usually win but the panic would always insist on making it to the meeting too. 

*Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping on page 319. Dr. Sapolsky is a neuroendocrinologist and author. He’s also funny and somehow manages to make his work digestible.

His lecture by the same name is available online @ https://torontopl.kanopy.com/video/why-zebras-dont-get-ulcers-robert-sapolsky. You’ll need your Toronto Public Library card number to log in.